I can't stop crying. Jane and I lost our baby yesterday at 37 weeks.
Jane went to the midwife at lunchtime yesterday. She came home to tell me that we needed to go to the hospital as there was no heartbeat.
Another heart monitor, two scans and an array of registrars, consultants and midwives later and the status was confirmed. Maggie was dead.
So now we have are having labour induced. We are waiting at home for 48 hours and if nothing starts we go straight in for more drugs. Every time I see the cradle or a drawer full of clothes I burst into tears. Jane feels she is some surreal soap opera. It just doesn't happen like that, not at 37 weeks. Everything done right; no drinking or smoking; good diet; blood pressure, urine and blood chemistry all fine. We'll have to discuss a PM with the consultant at hospital.
Then once Maggie is delivered I need to make arrangements, the hospital can do that for free at Melrose but as there is a cemetery behind the castle here we will make private arrangements. And I've still to figure out how to tell the children.
You'll understand if my posting is more erratic than usual but Jane comes first.
Jane went to the midwife at lunchtime yesterday. She came home to tell me that we needed to go to the hospital as there was no heartbeat.
Another heart monitor, two scans and an array of registrars, consultants and midwives later and the status was confirmed. Maggie was dead.
So now we have are having labour induced. We are waiting at home for 48 hours and if nothing starts we go straight in for more drugs. Every time I see the cradle or a drawer full of clothes I burst into tears. Jane feels she is some surreal soap opera. It just doesn't happen like that, not at 37 weeks. Everything done right; no drinking or smoking; good diet; blood pressure, urine and blood chemistry all fine. We'll have to discuss a PM with the consultant at hospital.
Then once Maggie is delivered I need to make arrangements, the hospital can do that for free at Melrose but as there is a cemetery behind the castle here we will make private arrangements. And I've still to figure out how to tell the children.
You'll understand if my posting is more erratic than usual but Jane comes first.
Then we headed to the Borders General Hospital on Saturday 18th October.
I'll start off by thanking everyone that gave messages of support to Jane and me during this terrible time. It really was appreciated.
Although this post is very much my own attempt at some catharsis I really don't mind sharing with you but for those that might find it all either overly sentimental or too cold blooded I'll stick my ravings behind the cut.
We went into the Border's General Hospital on Saturday morning, the staff were lovely and we had a private room (I've since learned that most maternity units have these special rooms; "Home From Home" rooms with real furniture and large en suite facilities). Jane received he induction meds and a large dose of antibiotics at 1130am after a long discussion with the consultant. She then promptly barfed them all back up again after five minutes. :-)
So then we had the waiting game and things moved remarkably fast though Jane was sick frequently and prodigiously. Come 2pm Jane knew things were beginning to move and at 2.32pm Maggie was delivered stillborn.
At 7lbs she was fully formed perfection, beautiful but so very, very fragile. She had obviously been dead a few days and there were signs of deterioration. We spent a couple of hours with her before asking the midwives to clean and dress her. Filled out our consent forms for the post mortem and then spent more time with Maggie before saying our goodbyes. This is when we both finally cracked, there had been sobs from me but this part was all too much. Even the midwives were wracked with grief. And only moments before the consultant had been commenting on how strong and dignified we had been in our grief, making everyone's job so much easier.
At home the house has never been cleaner. Jane's mother has been round to help but not finding it easy herself, she has thrown herself into the housework. Jane and I have found our peculiar one up, one down moods have helped us support each other as it has in the past. I find mornings particularly difficult whereas Jane finds the nights dreadful. She wrote about it extremely eloquently on Bad Mothers' Club where we have both found lots of support over the years. her mind and body play tricks on her, she expects to be up all night feeding and there is nothing but a space where the crib was. The Bad Mums have been terrific, cards and flowers arriving every day from them.
We had a real hiccup in our plans on Wednesday when they lost Maggie's body. We contacted the hospital to find out if she was ready to be released to be told that she wasn't there. They then tried calling Edinburgh who denied knowledge and that no PM had been performed. It then transpired that the pathologist, the only one in SE Scotland qualified to perform paediatric autopsy, was on holiday and instead of 2-3 days for a PM it would be more like 10 days. At this point with our consultants backing we were ready to withdraw consent but after talking with Jane we agreed to let things continue. There are a lot of angry obstetricians and midwives down here because of this clusterfuck. Their rage will serve as a fine proxy for my own, I don't have the energy.
When we finally get her back we will intern her in a plot behind Jedburgh Castle, then she will be no further than a hundred yards away. So much for being advocates for green burials at Hundy Mundy. We need to wait for Tom, a church minister in Kelso who married us and baptised both our children (despite knowing that I am an acknowledged godless heathen), he his a good friend and a great source of comfort to Jane and her family. I'm throwing myself into knocking out art in Daz Studio, Bryce and Hexagon. I might even finish the website update. Work has given me as much time off as I need but since I'm still getting the paternity leave in November I'll probably go back next week.
Lastly a quick pick of Maggie.
I'm still not sure if I should post pics of Maggie here, I might update later. The next October was even more emotional, again verbatim from LiveJournal.
Born at 2237hrs and weighing in at 6lb and 8oz. Alfred Phillip John. And he's going to be an Uppie.
At the moment he's in the Special Care Baby Unit at the BGH though it seems to be mainly precautionary. Resps are a little high and doesn't seem to scream very loudly. More news as it comes.
Yes, Alfie was born a year and a day after Maggie. A real emotional roller coaster and made a little worse (in hindsight) by what appeared to be a series of unfortunate failures in care by the BGH but he's thriving now.
And then to cap it all we had 2010. Again a quick LJ post
On the 16th October 2008 Jane and I rushed to the Borders General Hospital for an emergency scan to be told that our baby, Maggie was dead inside her.
On the 16th October 2010 after a night of spotting we go to the same hospital for a scan to tell us that she is having a miscarriage.
We are home, waiting on the inevitable.
It was on the 18th October after 3 days if bleeding that she passed the large clot that was the bigoted ovum inside her. Exactly 2 years after Maggie was stillborn. Difficult but rationalised in realising that she wasn't truly 10 weeks pregnant but carrying an empty sac, no life there to mourn. And the good news was that in August 2011 we were joined by our fifth child Martha.
October 2011 was uneventful.
I'm still not sure if I should post pics of Maggie here, I might update later. The next October was even more emotional, again verbatim from LiveJournal.
Born at 2237hrs and weighing in at 6lb and 8oz. Alfred Phillip John. And he's going to be an Uppie.
At the moment he's in the Special Care Baby Unit at the BGH though it seems to be mainly precautionary. Resps are a little high and doesn't seem to scream very loudly. More news as it comes.
Yes, Alfie was born a year and a day after Maggie. A real emotional roller coaster and made a little worse (in hindsight) by what appeared to be a series of unfortunate failures in care by the BGH but he's thriving now.
And then to cap it all we had 2010. Again a quick LJ post
On the 16th October 2008 Jane and I rushed to the Borders General Hospital for an emergency scan to be told that our baby, Maggie was dead inside her.
On the 16th October 2010 after a night of spotting we go to the same hospital for a scan to tell us that she is having a miscarriage.
We are home, waiting on the inevitable.
It was on the 18th October after 3 days if bleeding that she passed the large clot that was the bigoted ovum inside her. Exactly 2 years after Maggie was stillborn. Difficult but rationalised in realising that she wasn't truly 10 weeks pregnant but carrying an empty sac, no life there to mourn. And the good news was that in August 2011 we were joined by our fifth child Martha.
October 2011 was uneventful.
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